DEFINITIONS                   Cowboy Logic                36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Redneck

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's                    How Mean is a Cowboy?
Regulations For Hunting Attorneys               It is So Dry In New Mexico that...

Letter From Santa Clause           Air Force One           Bald Eagle             Noah   Roswell, NM
EPA/Recreation                 Cowboy or Cowman           Cowboy and Chief                Car Accident          "Bucket of Hillary"           Clinton Soup         Education pays off!!

The Wisdom of Will Rogers       A horse is a horse is a horse of course...                  Five Surgeons

IF THE BIBLICAL STORY OF NOAH HAD TAKEN PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES IN THE YEAR 2000

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.  Panic stricken the
Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.   When they
got there, the wreckage was clear.  The aircraft was totally destroyed with
only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret
Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the
crew or the President's staff.  To their amazement, a lone farmer was
plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They
hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep.  Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope.  They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his
tractor motor.  "I done buried them all myself.  Took most of the
morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in
disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."          Back to Top

Noah

So you think YOU have problems? The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.  "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents.  The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code.  So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. "Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your 'proposed' flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. "The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.  Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and  rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord.  "The government already has."             Back to Top

Cowboy and Chief Joke

In Arizona in the 1880's there was a cattle ranch near Tucson.  On the ranch was an old Indian everyone called "chief." Chief was a hard worker and all the cowboys liked him, but he was an alcoholic. One day chief got up early in the morning and went to repair the outhouse.  He got the top off the two holer, and was sawing and hammering as he drank whisky. Finally, he got so tipsy that he fell into the pit under the two holer. He was unconscious for some time, and injured, so he laid there for a couple Days.  All of his friends were looking for him. Finally Tex went out one morning to do his business in the outhouse, and heard groans coming from the hole.  He got his riata, lowered it in the pit, and pulled chief up.  He was a mess, covered with excrement. When he got chief up Tex said "Gosh chief, you're a mess.  How long have you been down there?" And the old fellow replied, after some thought, "Many Moons!"        Back to Top A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery. One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked. She said "I can't believe you did this for me." Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you." But how will I ever repay you?" she asked. With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your Mom kiss you on the cheek."                        Back to Top

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "bucket of Hillary" - two small breasts,  two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking  America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water

Education pays off!! Dear Friends,   I received a phone call tonight from a friend that's just too funny not to pass around!!  We haven't always been good friends.  When we first met I wasn't too sure about his political persuasions.  He hailed from the east, was an avid sports hunter, and looked like he might lean to the left.  Gently, through the years I have tried to educate him about The Nature Conservancy, their involvement in the Wildlands Project, the U.N., and their insensitivity to wildlife, regardless of their propaganda, but I never got a lot of feed back from him either one way or the other.   The other day he sent a picture of one of his latest trophies, and a short note about his recent conquest.  On the back of the envelope were lots of address labels with his name, address and Nature Conservancy's logo.  My first thought was, "Oh, I've failed in my mission to educate him!" :(   Tonight he called with the "rest of the story".  Seems when he received TNC's solicitation, instead of returning a "donation to save the latest endangered species" in the prepaid envelope, he put a brick.  Laughing at the joke he played on TNC, he said it would cost them at least $10.00 to pay for his donation."  He had made sure it was a very HEAVY brick!!!   Education does pay off!!                       Back to Top

The Wisdom of Will Rogers  o   Don't squat with your spurs on.  o   Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.  o   Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.  o   If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.  o   If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.  o   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.  o   Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.  o   There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.  o   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.  o   Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. o   When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.  o   When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.  o   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.  o   Never miss a good chance to shut up.  o   There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.      Back to Top

IF THE BIBLICAL STORY OF NOAH HAD TAKEN PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES IN THE YEAR 2000:  The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.  "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."  Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," the Lord shouted, "Where is the Ark?"  "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and have the plans redrawn. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a  variance from the city Planning Commission.  I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.  The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!  The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."  Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.  The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"  "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government has already destroyed it." -Author Unknown                      Back to Top

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left. A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over and knocked him off his stool. "Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country." "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on: The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.                                        Back to top

Most of you have probably already seen this but it is still good for a laugh. Date: Wednesday, May 03, 2000 1:45 PM Subject: Roswell, NM Here's something everyone should know: On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.                         Back to top

"Regulations For Hunting Attorneys" Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00  370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake-hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational land sport (non-commercial) purposes.  370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead- falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.  370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.  370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.  370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH"  for the purposes of trapping attorneys.  370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.  370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.  370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a  license to hunt, trap or possess the same.  370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.  370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:  Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;  Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;  Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;  Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;  Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.  Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).  ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.    Back to Top

It is So Dry In New Mexico that...   The cows are giving evaporated milk.   The trees are whistling for the dogs.   You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.   You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.   You can make instant sun tea.   You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.   The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.   You know the best parking place is in the shade, not distance from the door.   Your biggest fear in the case of a wreck is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"   A sad native prayed in Church today, "Please, God, let it rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."   A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in New Mexico?"   A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the   Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"   The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."   "Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that." Back to Top

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.  21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.  22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on  your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. Back to Top

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.  When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.  No one answered.  "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"  Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"  The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." Back to Top

Harry Schneider DEFINITIONS 1. A Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep voting on dinner. 2. A Republic: The flock gets to vote for which wolves vote on dinner. 3. A Constitutional Republic: Voting on dinner is expressly forbidden, and the sheep are armed. 4. Federal Government: The means by which the sheep will be fooled into voting for a Democracy. 5. Freedom: Two very hungry wolves looking for dinner and finding a very well-informed and well-armed sheep. Back to Top

A cowboy got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy asked, "Having some problems with them circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms and ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper merely says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a couple of minutes he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The cowboy replies, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though." Back to Top

36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Redneck 1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" 2. "Duct tape won't fix that." 3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken." 4. "We don't keep firearms in this house." 5. "You can't feed that to the dog." 6. "I thought Graceland was tacky." 7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe." 8. "Professional wresslin's fake." 9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?" 10. "We're vegetarians." 11. "Do you think my hair is too big?" 12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy." 13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering." 14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR." 15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds." 16. "Deer heads detract from the decor." 17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit." 18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today." 19. "Trim the fat off that steak." 20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso." 21. "The tires on that truck are too big." 22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad." 23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk." 24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better." 25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?" 26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's." 27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl." 28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini." 29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?" 30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen." 31. "I don't have a favorite college football team." 32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side." 33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long." 34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla." 35. "Elvis who?" 36. "Checkmate" Back to Top

This joke has made the rounds, but still proves a point!!   Subject: "Two Cow Terms:" Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms. Socialism: you have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Communism: you have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism: you have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. Bureaucracism: you have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: you have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Corporatism: you have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. Democratism: you have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.  The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing  flock and calmly answers, "Sure!"     The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.  Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns around to our shepherd and says,  "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!" "This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the  shepherd.  He watches the young man make a selection and bundle  it in his Cherokee. Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you  give me my sheep back?"  "Okay, why not", answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd. "That is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"  "Easy", answers the shepherd.  "You turn up here although nobody called you.  You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to.  And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

SOME OF THESE WE HAVE SEEN BEFORE, BUT THEY BRING BACK A SMILE. REDNECKS  Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?  She can't touch it  until she's fourteen. _____________________________________________   How  do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?   When you call the front  desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk  says, "Go ahead." ______________________________________________   How can  you tell if a Texas redneck is married?   There is dried chewing tobacco on  both sides of his pickup truck. _____________________________________________   Did you hear that they  have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?   It seems they  want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. _____________________________________________   What do they call reruns  of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?   A documentary. ______________________________________________   How many rednecks does it  take to eat a 'possum?   Two - One to eat and one to watch for traffic. _______________________________________________   Where was the toothbrush  invented?   Oklahoma.   If it was invented anywhere else it, would have been called a teethbrush. ______________________________________________   Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.   He says to the  driver, "Got any ID?"   The driver says, "'Bout what?" ______________________________________________   Did you hear about the  $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?   The winner gets $3 a year, for a million  years. ______________________________________________   Why did O.J.  Simpson want to move to West Virginia?   Nearly everyone has the same DNA. _____________________________________________   Did you hear that the  governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned down?   Yep. Her-rit'  near took out the whole trailer park. ______________________________________________   A new law recently passed  in North Carolina:   When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and  sister. ______________________________________________   What's the best  thing ever to come out of Arkansas?   I-40. ______________________________________________   What do a divorce in  Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?   Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

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